I’m totally a shitty blogger… aren’t I ?

My lovely followers, if you're still with me that is..
What a hell of a time I've been having these past few months. I'll try to cut out the less important things and stick with the major bam's.
My mental health along with my physical health degraded to the worst point yet. I'm fighting to eat and keep my weight up but it seems so much harder than it should be. It's hard because for the first time in my life I'm receiving positive feedback about my body, but I only got that way from being severely ill. It makes it difficult to want to defy everyone's wishes and compliments by eating now..
I am starting treatment at the Canadian Association for Mental Health in Toronto soon. So far I've had two psychiatric evaluations and I have one left before they can set me up with the perfect programs for my specific issues. It was scary, for a while my family wanted to admit me for the 30 day program which I'd have to stay at the hospital residentially for the month. Was not stoked about that idea. Luckily the doctors and social workers didn't see a reason to keep me on a 24/7 basis..yet.
Lastly, my boyfriend of what would be three years this week and I broke up. This ties into my mental health issues.. I was in an episode and blacked out, and broke up with him in the midst of it. I tried to explain but this time I guess it had been an especially bad one and there was no fixing it.
All I can think is what have I done now?

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Geocaching

This summer I really want to try geocaching and video journaling the experience. Any thoughts? Has anyone tried it? 

I downloaded the app and apperantly there are lots around my city which is exciting. I could have some cheap and fun adventures this summer. 

Am I Really Alone?

Lately I’ve never felt more lonely. I have no local friends – and well, being an agoraphobic with severe anxiety, panic disorder, and depression doesn’t help I’m not gonna lie – but I have no hobbies anymore and it feels like no one to talk to either. I’m giving myself one final year before I check myself into inpatient care if I can’t get my shit together. So my lovely followers, if you’re still with me I could really use your love and support. I have no one else it seems right now.. my parents want me to check myself in already so they can stop paying for everything – no one asked for a mentally ill shut in as a daughter. I see my boyfriend whom I live with maybe 2 or 3 hours a day because of his job, and other than that, I’m alone. I’ve lost all my sense of purpose in my life and in honesty, kind of all my will to live anymore. I’m at a loss and I’m not sure what to do anymore. 

I’ve been trying to reconnect with God but so far not so good… I just feel like I’m not doing it right. Like he can’t hear me. I don’t know really. I’m really enjoying reading the new bible that my mom got for me, it’s one where you can colour in these beautiful illustrations and motivational passages so as I read I colour too. I’m also reading Uninvited: Living loved when you feel less than, left out, and lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. And so far I’m really resonating with it and the stories she has regarding her past and her relationship with God. I hope it’s as good as the reviews lead it to be and I hope it helps me in some way. 

So tell me, am I truly alone in this? 

Deja-Vu

I used to always get (and still sometimes do get) deja-vu. Mainly because, as crazy as it sounds, I was so intuitive that my dreams used to literally come true a week or two after having the dream. Frame for frame, it was always so surreal.
I don’t get it so often anymore, my meds really fuck up my dreams, it’s the weirdest thing. And lately its been all nightmares every night instead of pleasant thoughts. I wouldn’t ever wish one of my twisted nightmares to come true.

So tell me? Have you ever experienced deja-vu?

Spontaneous business.

If I were to up and open a business right now, out of everything I would choose to open a bakery. Nothing makes me happier than baking; it really takes my mind off everything and anything going on in my life. I would name it Rainy Day Bakery and we would have a special raindrop cupcake. I would take custom orders and make beautiful cakes similar to cake boss (only smaller, of course). That would be the dream.

If you could spontaneously open any business right this very minute, what would you choose?