I’m back again.
After my recent breakup with my boyfriend a month or two ago and getting relocated (against my will) to my old house in the small town I left, I am slowly learning to be me again. Or trying to anyway. It’s much more difficult than I expected..
My birthday was a couple weeks ago. I’m 21 now. And I’m at my rock bottom. How lovely is that?
My mental health leave from school has been twice as long as I’d expected, and things aren’t getting much better in my head or my body for that matter. I eat once every day or two but I’m working my way up to three meals a day. The feelings of guilt are fading slightly but when I look in the mirror I still get a pit in my stomach and feel awful about myself. I’m at my lowest weight ever and I’m actually scarily malnourished, yet I still don’t want to eat. Or I want to eat but won’t. Or I’ll eat a ton and toss it up after… and yes, I do know how unhealthy that is for me and no I do not care. For the first time in my life I’m getting positive feedback about my body and positive attention from others, why would I want to give that up?
If you want honesty. I’m just living up the time I have left and whatever happens happens. I do want to be here and be a part of this world, but not if it’s all this constant pain. I’m exhausted. And no, I’m not going into my shit childhood or my entire medical history, I’m just stating my feelings here.
I’m really trying to find things that bring me joy and make me happy, bring meaning to my life, ya know? No far not so good. I’m working on saving up for a stylus for my new iPad (thanks for the birthday present mom😘) so that I can get back into sketching and graphic design again. I’ve also been reading a ton more, and trying my best to bullet journal every day. I’ve been absolutely ripping through manga and graphic novels, if you have any recommendations I would love to hear them! I’m in desperate need of some new material. That goes for books as well, I’ve been expanding from my usual genres and would love some input!
Tell me, what do you do and how do you find your inspiration? Ive been hitting some major creative blocks lately and would love some tips to get past them !