I haven’t been posting as regularly as usual lately. I don’t know what to say or what I’m even thinking. Everything has just been so bad lately; I had a handle on my anxiety, and I almost forgot I had depression because it had been so long since things took a down turn. But for the last month or so I haven’t been myself at all. I’m like a zombie just going through the motions of my life, I just sit or stand and stare blankly. I’ve lost all interest in everything I love. I can’t draw, paint, take photos. I never bother with reading or playing my violin, or even playing video games… I just bought 3 new ones for my ps4 and I can’t bring myself to play any of them. I just sit here everyday and go through the motions.
I can’t sleep. And when I finally do, I wake up screaming and/or crying. The nightmares are too much to bear. Every time I close my eyes, I see things I never wanted to. They won’t stop and they’re only getting worse, more brutal, scarier.
This feeling in my chest every day is killing me slowly. My heart rate is stuck at 130 bpm, as opposed to the normal and healthy 60. My chest feels like its being crushed and squeezed from every angle and I can’t breathe. I’m breathing, but it doesn’t feel like the oxygen is making it in. I feel like I’m suffocating, drowning. Every second of every day.
All of this is making it extremely hard to want to live. To be fully honest, I don’t want to live. Not like this. This cannot be my life. It started at 12-13 and they said it would get better, well now I’m 20 and it’s never been so bad. I feel crazy, and alone. I’m so lost on what to do. Nothing is working and I can’t live like this.
Where do I go from here?