Did I Finally Break?

I’ve never had an easy time with weight, eating, self-esteem. I grew up fat. My parents divorced and my step father tried to buy our love with tons of treats and candy every day. It didn’t help we lived right behind a cheap convenience store. By the time I was 12 my mom sent my sister and I to fat camp. We lost 20 pounds in 2 months and she thought our problems were solved. But no one can work out 16 hours a day every day for forever; we all gained the weight back, well some of it. In high school mental illness kicked in and I really had a hard time eating and keeping weight on due to my anxiety disorders… So then I was too thin. I slowly got better, I was in a normal weight range, I still am. I’m the healthy weight for someone my age and my size. So why can’t I bring myself to eat? Before I couldn’t eat due to the severe anxiety, now I don’t want to eat because it gives me anxiety to imagine myself gaining weight again. Fuck. What do I do now? I’ve never had this problem before, it’s new to me to consider that I may be developing, or already have developed, an eating disorder. How do I stop it before it gets too serious? I’m going to be a nurse in a couple years and I can’t have these problems while keeping such a stressful active career. Where do I go from here?

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6 thoughts on “Did I Finally Break?

  1. I’d seek support for it. There’s ample resources online. Do you have a doctor whom you can talk to about it? It’s good that you’re aware of this. Food is good, moderation of said food is better. 😛

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      1. It’s not crazy but it is irrational, which is why you may need some help. I have issues with weight too, but not on such a high ED scale. I just am very self-conscious about my weight. I’ve been overweight, lost the majority of it, and now I’m fighting to lose what’s left and I’m also very worried about gettnig the way I was again. I have enough issues with social anxiety as it is without stressing about my weight. xD

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  2. I write about mental health a lot and have researched extensively there are plenty of organisations etc who would be willing to help you, seriously you are the victim don’t beat yourself up about it 🙂
    ~ S.M

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