Learning to be my own person again.

I’m back again.

After my recent breakup with my boyfriend a month or two ago and getting relocated (against my will) to my old house in the small town I left, I am slowly learning to be me again. Or trying to anyway. It’s much more difficult than I expected..

My birthday was a couple weeks ago. I’m 21 now. And I’m at my rock bottom. How lovely is that?

My mental health leave from school has been twice as long as I’d expected, and things aren’t getting much better in my head or my body for that matter. I eat once every day or two but I’m working my way up to three meals a day. The feelings of guilt are fading slightly but when I look in the mirror I still get a pit in my stomach and feel awful about myself. I’m at my lowest weight ever and I’m actually scarily malnourished, yet I still don’t want to eat. Or I want to eat but won’t. Or I’ll eat a ton and toss it up after… and yes, I do know how unhealthy that is for me and no I do not care. For the first time in my life I’m getting positive feedback about my body and positive attention from others, why would I want to give that up?

If you want honesty. I’m just living up the time I have left and whatever happens happens. I do want to be here and be a part of this world, but not if it’s all this constant pain. I’m exhausted. And no, I’m not going into my shit childhood or my entire medical history, I’m just stating my feelings here.

I’m really trying to find things that bring me joy and make me happy, bring meaning to my life, ya know? No far not so good. I’m working on saving up for a stylus for my new iPad (thanks for the birthday present mom😘) so that I can get back into sketching and graphic design again. I’ve also been reading a ton more, and trying my best to bullet journal every day. I’ve been absolutely ripping through manga and graphic novels, if you have any recommendations I would love to hear them! I’m in desperate need of some new material. That goes for books as well, I’ve been expanding from my usual genres and would love some input!

Tell me, what do you do and how do you find your inspiration? Ive been hitting some major creative blocks lately and would love some tips to get past them !

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Mantras

So apparently a mantra can really help change your mindset. Well with the hard times I'm going through I figured may as well try one out now? Maybe it can actually help me through all this shit.
However, I've been stuck all day trying to come up with a good one that fits me and my current situation. Basically, how do you say you will get your shit together girl in a peaceful and encouraging way?
Seriously. Someone help me.

I’m totally a shitty blogger… aren’t I ?

My lovely followers, if you're still with me that is..
What a hell of a time I've been having these past few months. I'll try to cut out the less important things and stick with the major bam's.
My mental health along with my physical health degraded to the worst point yet. I'm fighting to eat and keep my weight up but it seems so much harder than it should be. It's hard because for the first time in my life I'm receiving positive feedback about my body, but I only got that way from being severely ill. It makes it difficult to want to defy everyone's wishes and compliments by eating now..
I am starting treatment at the Canadian Association for Mental Health in Toronto soon. So far I've had two psychiatric evaluations and I have one left before they can set me up with the perfect programs for my specific issues. It was scary, for a while my family wanted to admit me for the 30 day program which I'd have to stay at the hospital residentially for the month. Was not stoked about that idea. Luckily the doctors and social workers didn't see a reason to keep me on a 24/7 basis..yet.
Lastly, my boyfriend of what would be three years this week and I broke up. This ties into my mental health issues.. I was in an episode and blacked out, and broke up with him in the midst of it. I tried to explain but this time I guess it had been an especially bad one and there was no fixing it.
All I can think is what have I done now?

Am I Really Alone?

Lately I’ve never felt more lonely. I have no local friends – and well, being an agoraphobic with severe anxiety, panic disorder, and depression doesn’t help I’m not gonna lie – but I have no hobbies anymore and it feels like no one to talk to either. I’m giving myself one final year before I check myself into inpatient care if I can’t get my shit together. So my lovely followers, if you’re still with me I could really use your love and support. I have no one else it seems right now.. my parents want me to check myself in already so they can stop paying for everything – no one asked for a mentally ill shut in as a daughter. I see my boyfriend whom I live with maybe 2 or 3 hours a day because of his job, and other than that, I’m alone. I’ve lost all my sense of purpose in my life and in honesty, kind of all my will to live anymore. I’m at a loss and I’m not sure what to do anymore. 

I’ve been trying to reconnect with God but so far not so good… I just feel like I’m not doing it right. Like he can’t hear me. I don’t know really. I’m really enjoying reading the new bible that my mom got for me, it’s one where you can colour in these beautiful illustrations and motivational passages so as I read I colour too. I’m also reading Uninvited: Living loved when you feel less than, left out, and lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. And so far I’m really resonating with it and the stories she has regarding her past and her relationship with God. I hope it’s as good as the reviews lead it to be and I hope it helps me in some way. 

So tell me, am I truly alone in this? 

Deja-Vu

I used to always get (and still sometimes do get) deja-vu. Mainly because, as crazy as it sounds, I was so intuitive that my dreams used to literally come true a week or two after having the dream. Frame for frame, it was always so surreal.
I don’t get it so often anymore, my meds really fuck up my dreams, it’s the weirdest thing. And lately its been all nightmares every night instead of pleasant thoughts. I wouldn’t ever wish one of my twisted nightmares to come true.

So tell me? Have you ever experienced deja-vu?